I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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