I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
