awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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