also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
