No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
