I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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