I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
