I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
