I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
