what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
