I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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