I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
