Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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