Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We left an ass print on the piano.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
