My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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