Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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