Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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