This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
