remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
