Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
