yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
