it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
