Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
