So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
