hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Randomize
