i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
