remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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