wanna go halves on a baby?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
