It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
should my penis look like a turkey
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
