The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
