Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
