We're facebook friends in real life
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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