literally had 100 drinks last night.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
