I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
