College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
