His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
