i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize