i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
