i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
