If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
