I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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