Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize