I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
