So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
