I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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