I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
