I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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