I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
