do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
