oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
