I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
