Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
A+ Viking dick
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