Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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