Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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